Chemo chronicle 536

I really don't know what chemo number I am on...that number just popped my head.
If I really cared and wanted to, I could sit down and figure it out, But does it really matter if I am on 536 or 15, 253??  I guess I just answered my own question...it DOES matter because I want those chemo numbers to be high...means I am still alive and getting it OR they have found a vaccine that works...man, I really got off topic there.

The past 8 days have sucked big time. 
That migraine finally hit the road.
Then Thursday I had chemo and promptly felt like I was hit by another bus.

I got home from chemo at noon, took some medicine to help with the pukey feeling then passed out for a solid 6 hours.
Eric made me a grilled cheese, I ate and went right back to sleep until 8:30 the next morning.

My headache was back!
My freak out meter was raising quickly raising...I had been able to contain the freak out factor until now that my headache was back. 
I was trying to wall off the thoughts that my head hurts so bad because the tumor was back...I was trying SO hard.  
I went down the dark road a little bit.
I stepped over the line and planted my foot on the dark side for the rest of the afternoon...if I wasn't watching trashy TV, I was thinking my brain tumor was back.

Let me tell y'all what a SHITTY place this is to be.
I can logically talk myself out of this dark place, but I feel like the dark kind of takes over...for some reason right now trying to describe it I am thinking of Spider-man when the dark side took over him...or maybe I made that up?!?!

Then I finally called my doctor and had a headache RX called in, Eric went to get it and not even an hour later I was feeling great! 

WHY do I want so long to take medicine?  
WHY do I think I can power through all this??
WHY??
I don't know.